The weight of Grief

I stepped on the scale tonight for the first time since the loss of my parents and discovered I am within five pounds of what I weighed while nine months pregnant with my first child. Admittedly, I was a small woman prior to that first pregnancy but this time the weight isn't a cute basketball in the front of my shirt. Instead, it is carbunkling all over my body. It's not like this came as a great surprise. I knew the doughnuts, desserts, muffins, cake, and ice cream while doing zero exercise would have to add up. I wonder if on some level I thought that crying worked off calories. If so, then I would be looking like an aerobics instructor.

Inertia has also been wrapping itself around me. It isn't just exercise I don't feel like doing. Nothing seems to interesting except books. I could travel far and wide for long periods of time between multiple covers if my children didn't keep interrupting me wanting things like food or affection.

I felt very proud as I did a few laps in the pool tonight. I'm not sure they counteracted the large bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream Jeff served me tonight but better than not doing them. My goal now is to do something active every day. We'll see how that goes now, won't we?

Beach Bound Baby

I just have another five hundred and twenty-three things to do before we can go. I just printed Kelsey's birthday party invitations and plan to have them ready to mail. It will be too late if I don't do it before we get back. I am excited about doing a Harry Potter birthday party. Probably a little too excited,truth be told, it is her party. Maybe, since I turn 40 this year, I can talk Jeff into doing a Harry Potter party for me minus the Aqua quidditch since it will be in December. The big question I have about this party is do I put any of the kids in Slytherin?

I woke up this morning full of anticipation. Not only are we getting out of town but the writer in me is slowly re-awakening so I may get to spend some time on it while there. I am also planning to do a few test runs of the aqua quidditch game with all the cousins. I need my brother-in-law to come up with the brackets. He did a great job with the corn hole tourney. There is so much to do this summer, I am not sure how I am going to fit it all in. The crying jags only come about every couple of days now. I still miss my parents and always will but one thing about having children (not sure if this is good or not) is that they do not allow you to dwell on your own issues too long. So here's to family, the beach, and writing-may they all go well.

Vacation, all I ever wanted

That might be a bit of an overstatement. There have been lots of things I've wanted over the years beyond a vacation or even on one. We are gearing up to head to Gulf Shores at the end of this week. It will be the first beach vacation I have taken without my mother in fourteen years. It would be in twenty years except Jeff and I had a Charleston beach excursion when we were dating. That would be the one right after Jeff got back from radiation from his brain tumor and we rented Phenomenon. Now, I had seen this movie before but didn't want to ruin the ending for him. After a total melt-down on his part, I decided perhaps there were worse things than ruining the ending for someone.

I don't know how this beach vacation is going to end. I hope it will be well. There is some family friction that I hope can be managed while we are there. I have been praying for peace and laughter for everyone going. Still, I know God doesn't always say yes to prayers or this would not be the first vacation without Mom because she would still be here.

I am always so eager to get to the beach but the process of planning, preparing, and packing is arduous. I feel like I am always going to forget something. I also have this desire to leave a house that has been cleaned in case I die while I am gone. I don't want someone else to have to vaccum or throw things in the closet when the mourners come. Because, let's face it, if I were to die now there would be tons of sympathy for my family which translates into lots of company and meals. In fact, I wonder if anyone has ever faked a family death for the casseroles? Might make a good short story, hmmm.

I don't know if I will check in again before we leave or not. The thoughts that come now are random and often meaningless. I am a bit nervous about boarding our dog for the first time. I'm trying to decide if I need to rename this blog. When I first began, I thought I would be dealing with Cancer and Alzheimer's so much longer than I did. I realize those diseases don't have to be capitalized but that is how I think of them. Sometimes in bold too. So if anyone has a suggestion for a new blog name feel free to post.

Summer must not be a great blogging time for me

So here's my check-in. Jeff turned 45 on June 7th, and two of my nephews had birthdays as well. I attempted a German Chocolate cake for Jeff that tasted all right but did not look pretty. The kids are enjoying musical theatre camp although Kelsey was very sad to not get a speaking part. Christopher has a small speaking part but I explained to her that boys always get more parts then girls because there are less of them.

Last night at softball, I got conked in the back of the head while running to third and managed to pull a groin muscle. I think I may be getting old without the fun of a birthday party. Then today we are trying to paint Jeff's new office but finding ourselves quite frustrated. In fact, Jeff is in there painting while I'm writing this so I'm typing fast because he may justifiably get pissed if he sees me sitting out here typing. That's all for now.

yawn

Trying to cut back on carbs and finding myself cranky and tired. Perhaps I need a new plan. I want to eat more healthfully but grabbing a handful of Pringles is so much quicker than peeling an orange. Any thoughts on eating well?

In other news, tried to find a local writer's group today but the email listed came back as undeliverable so I guess that isn't going to happen. Although, I thought it was crazy even as I did it since I don't have anything to critique. Good news on that front though, I woke up thinking about some story ideas. Maybe this is God saying finish up what I've already given you before trying to move on. Hmm, I'll have to think on that.

Our softball team continues to be undefeated. I strained my groin muscle in last nights game so was relieved that the other team didn't have enough people for tonight's game. We still play tomorrow though. At two, so it is going to be hot. I have to play even though my leg may hurt, just because I am female. It is strange being a crucial player only because of my gender. My skills are less than stellar. So wish me luck tomorrow that I don't end up gimpy.

Is there such a thing as Writer's Block?

I never thought so in my past. Whenever the conversation came up I would confidently answer, "it is just a matter of sitting down and making yourself write." Technically, that is still true. I can sit down and type out words on this keyboard. However, the type of block I am experiencing is the ideas. I have always had idea after idea competing in my brain for which one gets told. This is one of the reasons I have about fifty half-told stories on my  hard drive. Another idea comes along and I follow it to it's beginning and then get distracted by another-you get the point. Anyway, since Mom's illness, I don't think any new ideas have hit my brain. It is like a big steel door has been implanted in my subconscious and when I try to visit the idea factory, I am barred.

You might think this is no big deal- so don't write, move on, do something else. I guess I could do that. But there is this feeling of loss. My ideas were what my mind turned to whenever I had open time. Standing in the shower, driving, walking the dog, these times were creative birthing and refining moments. Now, there is nothing there. I don't know if it will come back someday or not. It almost feels like I've lost part of who I am. This is one of the reasons I stopped blogging for a couple of weeks. I thought maybe that writing on here kept me from thinking up other things. But really that makes no sense because I always had other things to do and had to make time for the stories. I have also tried leaving the keyboard and have begun writing in a notebook. Still, I am not inspired. So for now, I guess I will sit down and make myself write sometimes or maybe I won't. Either way, it is a strange world with no new ideas pouring into my brain.

Undefeated (so far)

The church softball team played a double header tonight and we managed to pull off a win in both games. So far, we haven't lost any. I got to run across the home plate three times as well. In the first game, I had it easy as I was an extra hitter and didn't even have to field, sweet. This team is awesome in their support of one another. After the game, I got in the car and desperately wanted to call Mom to tell her how I did. I know she would have given some sort of praise and then told Dad what I had just told her so he could also give me some praise too. They were always supportive about sports things. Not that I ever qualified as especially good in any game. The ride home became pretty teary but the day had been tough in terms of just missing talking to her so it was probably coming regardless. I was lucky to have a friend willing to take that phone call so I could get myself together before walking in the house (thanks Tricia). I know my family is supportive but I just don't think it is a good idea to walk into the house crying. It sets people up for worry.

Despite my faults, I am loving the game. Next week we have games on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I may not love it so much after that.