A New Hobby

I figured it was time to give up my most recent hobby of crying because I miss my parents and try to find something else. I mentioned Jiu Jitsu in my last post, it is an hour of twisting, turning, body contorting, power-building umph. I have yet to get bored in a class and as a plus have lost five pounds. You may wonder what does this have to do with the blog title and I'll tell you. It would be that this type of martial art is kicking me in the pants. I have mat burns on my knees and sometimes a crick in my neck but it is the only place I feel at peace. I think maybe it takes so much of my focus that I can't worry about anything else. 

Today, Mom would have been 73, instead she is forever young in the heavenlies but I do miss her here. I wonder what she would think of this new hobby of mine and then I know. She would roll her eyes and give me a half smile to let me know that while she wouldn't want to do it, she'd come see me if I wanted to compete. Not that I will compete. In fact, I feel like a freshman again with all that I don't know. So far I have learned how to submit an opponent from a standing position, flip them over my head if they are sitting on me, and put a choke hold on that left me coughing when my partner did it to me (I didn't tap out soon enough). I will say I prefer the female partners since I almost didn't keep a straight face the first time a guy laid on the floor in front of me, tapped his chest, and said, "Mount me." 

Now, I find myself saying it to other people. It's a whole new vocab. Speaking of vocab as a really poor way of segueing to writing, I still have not heard from the Chicken Soup for the Soul folks. Neither have I begun anything new. A writer friend of mine, Rusty Webb, just put one of his novelettes up for the Kindle. Since Jeff just bought a tablet, I downloaded it tonight. I am thinking about putting some of my stuff up there as well. I'll have to find guidelines somewhere. I am going to read Rusty's story now and would highly recommend it (even without reading it) to anyone who enjoys either westerns or sci-fi because I know he is a solid writer and it is a steal right now at $.99 for the Kindle.  

Retraction of a sort

As I said before, I loved the book "The Hunger Games." However, I did not like the third book in the series at all. Depressing is how I'd term it even though technically it had a happy ending. So reader beware it is not trumpets and triumph. As for my own writing, I have submitted a short to one of the Chicken Soup books so we will see if it gets accepted or not. I'm just relieved I finally finished something again. There is a novel waiting to be finished that I am looking forward to getting to. I say that as if the time is going to just appear without me marking out time and making it happen. Do I accept that my house is going to be a mess forever if I give myself a chance to do the writing? There are so many things competing for my time including the grieving that is still hitting arbitrairly. I'm not sure if I told you guys that I have started taking jiu jitsu. I'm happy when I'm there maybe because I'm focusing on learning something new.

Books as a lifeline

I would like to jump on the bandwagon here and highly recommend "The Hunger Game." I got caught up in it immediately and read it through like I haven't since my first read of the Harry Potter books or Twilight series. Anyone who enjoyed my short story "Third Trial" will like this story. Not to compare the two in the sense that one is a novel and incredibly successful and not written by me. The other is a short story, published in a little known anthology, and yes, written by me. It is the anthology that there is a link to on this blog because that is by far the crowd favorite in stories I've written. Not my Mom's favorite but I never could glean which one was. Maybe the other story that is in that book about Alzheimer's.

But "The Hunger Game" is the same type dystopia (as an editor called my story in a not so flattering way). It is also the kind of sci-fi that feels very reachable. I think there is almost nothing I love more than a book that demands to be finished. If only I wrote books that demanded finishing instead of lazing around on my hard drive, the characters perfectly happy to nap the day away if I will just leave them alone. Then I read a book I love, like this one, and it makes me want to go over and shake them awake. My dream has always been to be able to write books that will make people feel the way I feel when a story sweeps me away. No matter what a person's life circumstances are they can escape them for a time. I wonder if part of the reason I loved this book so much is that I feel like I am in the midst of my own survivor story. Certainly, the stakes are not nearly as high as they were for the main character but she still had to survive, wake up each day, keep breathing, and make it through.

I am in process of a much smaller endeavor right now. I want to get some thoughts down for a "chicken soup for the caregivers soul" book. I will let you guys know if I get it written and submitted. If they reject it, so be it but at least I will have put something out there. I will have woken up, kept breathing, and made it through.

Well it's only been a month

That title is my attempt to feel better about my lack of keeping up with this blog. Things are going probably about the way things go when someone has lost both their parents but has two children so can't really just sit in the corner and sob. To use a totally bad cliche' life really does go on. It is not a respector of personal trials. I think that is actually a great gift. I have not been writing but I have been doing lots of thinking which is totally progress (or at least I tell myself that).

The kids are getting ready to start school and ask me if we can return to Knoxville on a regular basis. It feels rather selfish to stay here to be with my family but I justify it with the knowledge that it is better just to stay then to leave and have something bad happen and turn around and come back.

Jeff is not sick as often living here outside of the office of germs. That being said, I think I am getting too dependent on him working from home. I'm like, "Hey, I'm going to run to the grocery store and leave the kids here, ok?" What can he say but okay but then that leaves him having to do double duty so I am trying to pull back on that.

No big news, just wanted to get an update on here before August ended.

The weight of Grief

I stepped on the scale tonight for the first time since the loss of my parents and discovered I am within five pounds of what I weighed while nine months pregnant with my first child. Admittedly, I was a small woman prior to that first pregnancy but this time the weight isn't a cute basketball in the front of my shirt. Instead, it is carbunkling all over my body. It's not like this came as a great surprise. I knew the doughnuts, desserts, muffins, cake, and ice cream while doing zero exercise would have to add up. I wonder if on some level I thought that crying worked off calories. If so, then I would be looking like an aerobics instructor.

Inertia has also been wrapping itself around me. It isn't just exercise I don't feel like doing. Nothing seems to interesting except books. I could travel far and wide for long periods of time between multiple covers if my children didn't keep interrupting me wanting things like food or affection.

I felt very proud as I did a few laps in the pool tonight. I'm not sure they counteracted the large bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream Jeff served me tonight but better than not doing them. My goal now is to do something active every day. We'll see how that goes now, won't we?

Beach Bound Baby

I just have another five hundred and twenty-three things to do before we can go. I just printed Kelsey's birthday party invitations and plan to have them ready to mail. It will be too late if I don't do it before we get back. I am excited about doing a Harry Potter birthday party. Probably a little too excited,truth be told, it is her party. Maybe, since I turn 40 this year, I can talk Jeff into doing a Harry Potter party for me minus the Aqua quidditch since it will be in December. The big question I have about this party is do I put any of the kids in Slytherin?

I woke up this morning full of anticipation. Not only are we getting out of town but the writer in me is slowly re-awakening so I may get to spend some time on it while there. I am also planning to do a few test runs of the aqua quidditch game with all the cousins. I need my brother-in-law to come up with the brackets. He did a great job with the corn hole tourney. There is so much to do this summer, I am not sure how I am going to fit it all in. The crying jags only come about every couple of days now. I still miss my parents and always will but one thing about having children (not sure if this is good or not) is that they do not allow you to dwell on your own issues too long. So here's to family, the beach, and writing-may they all go well.

Vacation, all I ever wanted

That might be a bit of an overstatement. There have been lots of things I've wanted over the years beyond a vacation or even on one. We are gearing up to head to Gulf Shores at the end of this week. It will be the first beach vacation I have taken without my mother in fourteen years. It would be in twenty years except Jeff and I had a Charleston beach excursion when we were dating. That would be the one right after Jeff got back from radiation from his brain tumor and we rented Phenomenon. Now, I had seen this movie before but didn't want to ruin the ending for him. After a total melt-down on his part, I decided perhaps there were worse things than ruining the ending for someone.

I don't know how this beach vacation is going to end. I hope it will be well. There is some family friction that I hope can be managed while we are there. I have been praying for peace and laughter for everyone going. Still, I know God doesn't always say yes to prayers or this would not be the first vacation without Mom because she would still be here.

I am always so eager to get to the beach but the process of planning, preparing, and packing is arduous. I feel like I am always going to forget something. I also have this desire to leave a house that has been cleaned in case I die while I am gone. I don't want someone else to have to vaccum or throw things in the closet when the mourners come. Because, let's face it, if I were to die now there would be tons of sympathy for my family which translates into lots of company and meals. In fact, I wonder if anyone has ever faked a family death for the casseroles? Might make a good short story, hmmm.

I don't know if I will check in again before we leave or not. The thoughts that come now are random and often meaningless. I am a bit nervous about boarding our dog for the first time. I'm trying to decide if I need to rename this blog. When I first began, I thought I would be dealing with Cancer and Alzheimer's so much longer than I did. I realize those diseases don't have to be capitalized but that is how I think of them. Sometimes in bold too. So if anyone has a suggestion for a new blog name feel free to post.