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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

no real surprise

Jeff went to his doctor in Knoxville today and received his much anticipated diagnosis of walking pnemonia after an x-ray of his lungs. He felt quite vindicated. I felt my own vindication when the dog went through the screen door again after Jeff spent his afternoon on Sunday fixing it despite my dire predictions of a future dog invasion. Also, as anticipated, nothing got done today like I'd planned. My son coughed all night and my daughter said her neck still hurt so both of my children stayed home from school. The doctor's office didn't open until nine but they were able to work them in early. My son is the not so proud owner of a sinus infection and my daughter has a crick in her neck or an "overextenstion of the Sternocleidomastoid Muscle." The former is a bit easier to say. Either way, she is definately going to school tomorrow but I haven't decided about the boy. It will depend on his sleep tonight.

Today, at the doctor's office I had to update Kelsey's records. So many little ways grief hits like looking down and seeing Mom's name as one of the people who could take my child to the doctor. So, here in Chattanooga, I had both my sisters and then a blank. My daughter saw me hesitating over it and asked what I was doing. I told her and she suggested a Knoxville friend that I always used while there. Instead, I filled it in with a friend's name from here without asking her so I hope she's cool with that (Tricia, I'm talking to you). Not that I expect anyone to have to take my kids to the doctor but the idea that Mom is missing on yet another level tweaked the grief nerve. When I filled my son's prescription, I made sure the pharmacist knew my parents had passed. I had a legitamate reason for telling them since I remembered that Dad had some medication automatically refilled. But that wasn't really why I wanted them to know. It is like the more people I tell the more of a reality it becomes. Not that I desire for it to be real but because I know I have to accept it so have to find ways to make it more real every day. Or maybe I desire the sympathy.

Where I really need sympathy was in helping the kids try to do their make-up work today. None of us wanted to do it. I found myself irritated at how long it was taking them. I think it is fortunate that is not my day job or many children would suffer from a lack of confidence in their abilities.

We are beginning to make our vacation plans. It looks like we will be going somewhere the last week of June. The whole family is going but part of us did not want to go to Hilton Head because they felt it would remind them too much of Mom. I had thought that might be one of those sweet aches, feeling closer to the person in the places that remind you of them but in the end, maybe vacation isn't the place for that. We are trying to figure out which beach to go to. There are about 16 of us but we'd like to get a house so we're having a bit of trouble. Wherever, I am relieved we are going to go together. I feared that once Mom no longer arranged the family vacations that they too would begin to die. It seems like it is more important than ever that we move closer in together to help absorb the daily shocks that so wear on our spirits.  Sorry this felt a little scattered tonight, lack of sleep does that to me.

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