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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Tinged Joy (Happy birthday Daddy)

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I let myself cry as hard as I want to. It usually starts small but can build until there is all this pressure right in the middle of my forehead. I have to make myself pull back because I'm afraid my head will burst if I continue. Don't misunderstand, this doesn't happen every day. In fact, it has only happened about three times since my Mom died. Tonight being the third. The first time I burst a blood vessel in my right eye so I don't want that to happen again. I worried for three days I had some kind of pink eye coming on.

 Today was destined to have some bumps since it was Dad's birthday. A reminder popping into my head everytime I had to see or write the date. I swear it seemed like random people kept asking me what the date was just for the universe to poke at me. Not that I wish today hadn't happened. Overall, I'd call it a good day.

Sharon's dog Westin is on the mend. She ended up taking him to a different vet who said he had been "butchered," in his surgery. The new vet put him on different antibiotics and gave him some special food to eat since he'd lost five pounds in a week, an amount equal to a human losing 15 in the same time period.

 The kids did a wonderful job tonight. I feel so proud of them. Both of my sister's families were in attendance ( a fact that made my daughter forget her lines). One of my nephews was missing because he is in rehearsal for a play of his own. I think he is going to try to come to the last performance on Thursday. Then we went out to dinner with Sharon's family to O'Charley's, the delicious butter and rolls a delight in themselves.

 After we came home, the transition between stage stars and kids needing to go to bed quickly turned ugly but Jeff and I prevailed. Then I got to sit down with my Philip Gulley book, one of the last books Mom read. She loved this homespun author who is also a Quaker minister. At the end of the book, a blurb announced Mr. Gulley's willingness to speak a churches, libraries, etc and for just a moment I thought-oh I've got to get him here for Mom.

Then the realization that I can never do that for her hit hard. That's when the tears started. Right on its heels came the wrongness of her absence tonight. She should have been there to see her grandchildren on stage. She should be there to see my nephew in his perfomance this weekend.  Sharon said she and Mom even talked about it and had said, "Well we know you will still be here in March." My crying increased to that bursting point around that thought so I pulled back.

 I attempted to analyze, to control. So why isn't she here? The easy answer is cancer. The other ones I'll just have to wait on until I get an audience with The Big Guy. Tonight, I am grateful for a good husband who vaccumed the stage, my families attendance at my kids' show (and mine since I wrote and directed), and the ability to stop crying before my head explodes and makes a huge mess that I'd probably have to figure out a way to clean up :).

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