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Friday, February 18, 2011

the ache

There is so much chaos accompaning my grief. It seems we threw out a bag that contained many of Christopher's toys, our Sunday School book, and several other things I pulled out of the backseat of the car. My kitchen is a wreck and random things make me cry. Tonight, my stomach feels like it has a brick sitting inside it. I also think some of my bills may be late. I still can't believe Mom is gone. That I will never again get to hear her voice or one of her ridiculous jokes. She made me crazy sometimes but I'd give a lot to have her here making me crazy again.

We got bad news about Dad today. My aunt Linda (dad's sister) went with us to his first treatment team at Erlanger North. He was asleep when we got there and we could not wake him. He looked very much like Mom looked in her final moments, asleep and unable to wake. Unlike my first thought, he was still breathing but not too responsive. The news from the psychiatrist wasn't promising though. It seems that instead of getting better, he is getting worse. They say he has lost the ability to walk, has become incontinent and is hallucinating. In addition, the doctor said he has a condition of spinal fluid not being absorbed which is putting pressure on his brain. They are also changing him to a liquid diet as he has forgotten how to chew.

I am so glad Mom passed before we found this out about Dad. It came as such a shock. I knew there was no medication that would reverse Alzheimers but I did think he would still be able to walk and talk. I'm not so sure anymore. They say he is also hallucinating and trying to grab things out of the air.

I got the pictures together tonight for Mom's photo cd. I am so glad to have so many photos while simaltaneously wishing I had more. There is never enough and I cried when I went through them. The loss of my mother is so deep that I am sure I will never be fully recovered. I wonder does the ache ever leave?

1 comment:

  1. It is the most desperate feeling you will ever have. It's one that having a glass of wine won't make better, a joke cannot lighten, a smile cannot comfort, and has no escape. You will get through it. Hard to believe now, I know. You WILL make it but it is going to be a slow process. The journey is cathartic, frustrating, depressing, angering, and just maddening. Get through the present day and don't think about what is to come. One day at a time. - Kelly D.