I prefer yesterday

I'm not talking about the Beatles song, although the refrain did begin circling my brain as soon as I typed the word. Today, things seem to be going downhill fast. Mom called me around nine this morning to ask if I would please go see Daddy. She said she was in too much pain to go. Her discomfort seems to be increasing. Her old pastor, Larry Williams, called just after Mom and had to listen to me sobbing into the phone while trying to act normal. He prayed with me and assured me he felt it was a God thing that he had called at just that time. He also said he thought Mom had been holding on for Dad. I had already wondered if now that he is taken care of if she is going to leave us soon.

The hospice nurse called her in some pain patches. They came while I was visiting her today but had not had a chance to kick in when I left to see Dad. She and I did some crying together. She said as much as she loves us, she doesn't want to hurt like this. She also said she'd thought about calling the grandkids in to see her individually to tell them how much she loves each of them. I assured her as much as I want her here, I don't want her to hurt either. Sharon came soon after I left and I think Cindy is going over too. I know she has her Bible study at two and said she didn't want to cancel because she wasn't sure how much longer she would feel like attending. I hugged her before I left and kissed her on her wigless head. There is not an ounce of me that will not hurt when she is gone.

Then I went to see Dad. They informed me there, that he has not slept in the last 24 hrs. He is walking the floors at night and going into the other residents rooms looking for Mom. He also is pushing on the doors trying to get out. They have requested that she limit visitation. When he went to sit down for lunch today his pants were undone and started coming off. I heard another resident snarkily talking about Dad. She said, "Well, there's Marvin, trying to take his pants off." It was her tone, that of a middle school girl ridiculing others to her peers, that made me so angry. Daddy has always conducted himself with the highest standards and I hate so much that this is taking his dignity. Perhaps hers too, since I think none of us want to go back to that time period in life. Maybe she was tired because I'm pretty sure he visited her room last night along with many of the others. The staff said it scared some of the ladies. My sister asked if they knew it was a problem why they weren't watching him? I didn't even think of asking that. I'm having trouble breathing through it all. I guess we will go back to see Daddy tonight since they've asked Mom not to go. I HATE all this.