It's almost time for the circus

I don't want to go to church tomorrow. I don't want to go the funeral home. I don't want my mother to be gone. But other than the first, I don't have a choice. Tuesday, I wanted to rest for a day. That day, my mother called about to pass out and it was the beginning of the end. Now, I'd like to climb in bed, pull the covers over my head, and just stay there for awhile. At night, I am so tired but then I don't sleep well. The idea that both my sisters are feeling this way too makes it much worse. I don't know what to do for myself and I don't know what to do for them. There is nothing to close the chasm in our family created by the loss of mom. It's nothing dramatic, no big fights or drunken binges. It's more the idea that nothing can ever be the same. Mom would know what to do or at least make an attempt at it. Today, my sister Sharon and I went over to Mom's place to listen to messages and go through her roladex. It is so difficult to make those phone calls so we took turns. Sharon found a beautiful letter from Dad to Mom on their fourth anniversary. I believe she plans to read it at his funeral.

Tomorrow, we go to the funeral home. We will be there for five hours trying to smile and put on a brave face because our mother was a Chrisitian so we ought to be celebrating. We know she is in a better place, no pain, completely healed but still gone to us. It is hard to celebrate when yhou know you will never again get to hear her voice, or see her green eyes disappear into the wrinkles created by her enormous smile. I want to make her proud. Part of my fear is that my children or my nieces or nephews will not be gracious to people wanting to share their memories. 

Then after we get through those grueling hours we have the service the next day. My daugther asked me why she should go to something that would make her so sad and I didn't have a good answer. Is it just tradition or is there a reason why we do these displays? Does it move us closer to healing? My body hurts tonight like an emotional flu. I hope I can push through tomorrow without too much crying.