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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Trying to set my eyes on what I cannot see

A good friend emailed me these Bible verses
2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18
We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated.  We do not know what to do, but we do not give up the hope of the living.  We are persecuted, but God does not leave us.  We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed.....So we do not give up.  Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day.  We have small troubles for a while now,  but they are helping us gain an eternal glory that is much greater than the troubles.  We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see...

I am glad not to set my eyes on what I can see. Daddy is spending his first night at the Lantern this evening. I don't know how that is going to go. My stomach has felt a bit sick every time I think about it. I am envisioning him standing near the door wondering where everyone is. There is a church sign that I pass every day coming home from taking the kids to school. It says, "Worry is the misuse of imagination," and God has blessed me with loads of imagination. I'm wondering how early is too early to visit and what I'm going to find when I get there. Will he be dressed? Will he know how to get around? Mom is still struggling with feeling dizzy so I don't know when she will be able to make it. I hope Daddy doesn't get aggressive now. He used to get agitated but never tried to hurt anyone.

Sitting at the kitchen table with Jeff this morning, while I stood at the stove making lunches, Christopher asked why Grandpa had to move. Jeff answered him by saying Nana is sick and probably going to die. Hearing the words sounded so harsh. Fat tears began running down my face so that I had to excuse myself to the bathroom so I could sob in private. I hate that my children are having to watch me grieve for such a long time. Christopher has even begun to pray for Nana and Mommy to feel better. That isn't the strong Mom image I want him to have but to ask for it to end is to mean the passing of my Mom and Dad, so I can't really wish for that either. The good news is that when I came back I discovered I had not gotten any tears on the sandwiches, so I didn't have to remake them, because who would want to eat soggy tear bread, ewww.

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