denial is the first stage

I picked up my phone to call my mother twice today. The first time to check on her, the second to tell her something, both time before I punched the first digit I remembered I could never call her again and started crying. There is a calmness that has settled over me most of the time but then something like that hits and I start crying. It isn't huge sobs, just an ache in my chest and tears. They don't last long but don't bring much relief either. I'm not sure there is relief for this anyway, other than time. Sometimes, I seem to be standing a bit apart from my emotions evaluating them like I am one of my own clients. So I know I have been through all the stages of grief but bargaining and will run through them again and again.

We made the funeral arrangements today. We will have visitation on Sunday from 4-8 at Heritage Funeral home. Then we will have visitation the next day (monday) from 11:30 to 12:30 at Ooltewah Baptist Church with the service starting at 12:30. Her burial will be at the National Cemetary at 2:00. Mom gave us another great gift in that she already planned and paid for her funeral. Not having to look at details like which coffin or how many flowers is a gift beyond words. I think you always think you will have more time so I appreciate that she did this for us.

Tomorrow, we meet with Erlanger North to have a treatment team about how Dad is doing. It will be very hard to not talk about the loss of mother. However, I do believe it is the best choice. He would be confused and possibly become agitated. While I want to honor my mother in any way possible I do wish we could have everything behind us already and be free to grieve. Thank you all for your prayers and support through this whole process.