blog lazy

I don't know whether it is a good sign or bad that the intense desire to post is beginning to fade. It isn't that I can't think of things to say but often I am too tired at the end of the day to march up the stairs to make an entry. Okay, that's only happened twice now but it is a marked change. There are still so many things to say but I often lack the finesse. I think the reality of the loss is truly setting in now. Mom and Dad are not going to come back.

I didn't have delusional beliefs that they would. But I think, on some level, it was inconceivable because they always had before. Like the assurance that the sun is going to rise. I don't care how many scientists told me the sun wasn't going to rise tomorrow. I'd still expect to see it when I woke up. Then as the weeks turned into months, I'd still look for it out the window since I'd grown used to its light and warmth. Now, obviously the consequences of that would be world-wide and on a much greater level than my grief. But it is that big to me.

I finished the book, "Heaven Is For Real," today. It is parents telling the story of their three-year-old's description of heaven after having a near death experience. The details he shares, their consistency with scripture, and the pictures he describes are so very thought-provoking. I have a strong faith in God instilled in me as a child but I still have times of doubt. Thoughts like, 'what if none of this is true and we die and that is it?' What if God isn't even real? If that is the case, it doesn't matter much in terms of how I live my life. I think the things outlined in the Bible are the best way to live.

I have also had many experiences that felt divine. It is just hard to remember that feeling when it isn't  happening. But when it comes to seeing those who have passed on before us again. It becomes a huge deal (especially right now) and in meeting Jesus, and God. The little boy describes meeting his sister when he was there (a baby his mother miscarried when she was only two months pregnant). A sister that he never knew existed, that the parents hadn't even known the gender. It is a book that refuels my faith and renews my hope that I will see Mom and Dad and we will be together in eternity. Along with almost everyone else we love.

I say almost because at one point after his experience the little boy becomes very upset at a funeral because the father can't answer whether or not the man in the casket "knew Jesus." Jesus told the little boy he had to die on the cross so 'people could come to see my Dad.' We had a grandfather who to our knowledge was not a Christian. I hope I am wrong and he is there too. It always worried my mother. So I hope she got a big surprise and found out that despite his gruff exterior, that Grandpa did acknowledge Christ as Lord. The little boy in the book made it quite clear that knowing Jesus was the only way to get there, that nothing else got you to heaven. He also said that nobody is old there which has me looking at my mom's high school pictures with a new eye since I guess this is how she will look when I see her again.So, as it always does, it comes down to faith. Where am I going to put my trust? What has been The Truth for me again and again in my life? Jesus says he is the way, the truth, and the light no one gets to the Father but through him.

As I may have mentioned before, Mom said she was in a "win-win situation," either she got healed and stayed here with us or she died and got to be with Jesus. It is a faith with no explanation without Divinity. I know my mother and she wasn't one given to delusion or easily taken in. She pointed me to God and to his Son, knowing who she was, it would be foolish of me to doubt it now. Not to mention counter-productive given that so many people spend their lives with an uncomfortable feeling in their stomachs every time God is mentioned instead of recognizing the Holy Spirit pulling on them to take rest in him. In re-reading this, I think it sounds like I'm trying to preach a sermon. (I can't, hee, hee, I'm Baptist now and women don't preach) but that isn't my intention, I'm more just feeling my way around my faith. Looking for my footing now that the rug has been pulled away. I'm glad to find the wood underneath isn't rotten or non-existent, just the same floor that has always been there. I just don't have Mom to shine it up for me when it gets dull or worn. I have to pull out the polish myself so I can show it to my children and say to them when it is my time to go. "Look, this is a win-win situation for all of us because we are believers but ha, ha, I get to go first." :) As I type that, my heart skips and I think, 'oh, please God, let me go before my kids.' That would be another blog topic and I think I have more than made up for my missing night now. So......tomorrow then.