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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Out of Nowhere

I stood in the check-out line at Bi-Lo fighting off the crying attack that threatened me as I looked at the People magazine in the display rack. I can't even remember whose picture smiled from the cover. What did flash in my mind was a conversation I had with Mom about six months ago. She ordered a magazine subscription from my niece and told me, "after I get them, I'll just give them to you because I know you like to read them." Did I say thank-you or even spend a moment telling her how much I appreciated everytime she thought of me? Nope, I just said something along the lines of, "Nah, I'm trying not to bring new stuff in." Her face fell a bit and no amount of backtracking could fix it. I can never fix that moment. There are so many things I wish I could beg her forgiveness for. She was so kind and thoughtful and so often I missed the moment. I did manage to keep myself under control for that moment. Until I was telling Jeff about it when I was fixing dinner. At that time, I began crying and found myself unable to speak. Kelsey sweetly came over and hugged me.

She said, "I miss Nana too."

Christopher was playing a game on my laptop and said, "I think you need to stop thinking about Nana. It always makes you cry."

Clearly, he is done with my grief. Maybe he won't remember that one once I have passed on and he is standing in line at the grocery store. Yeah, right, like he will ever be grocery shopping. Man, this grieving thing hits out of nowhere.

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